Of old scars and broken hearts

Mas mahirap lumayo sa taong kaya mo namang mahalin, pero hindi mo pwedeng ibigin. 

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They asked me about us. I told them we’re just friends. Because that’s the truth, we really just are.

And they bought that. I should have been relieved, right? Because finally, I have already cleared it up. I don’t have to carry the burden of having to explain myself to practically everyone. No questions will be asked. They’ll spare us the gossips and all that.

But . . . really? Is it really just that? Friends? It’s a shame that I had to brand us as such, when I know you’re more than that.

Yet . . . you wouldn’t know. No, I won’t tell you. And I hope that you wouldn’t know . . . ever. Don’t worry, sooner or later, whatever this is that I have for you, it will fade away. It’s just feelings, anyway.

The only thing is that . . . just because feelings are fleeting doesn’t mean they are not damaging. I totally forgot about that. That was my bad.

But maybe it would have been so much easier if I was the only one. I was contented watching you from afar. And I would smile at the sight of how naturally ludicrous you are. Sometimes, we would have small talks and that’s it. I was starting to appreciate you. Come on, like is such a cliché. I already did when I first talked to you. But, it’s another thing to actually appreciate someone, correct? Maybe it’s because of how simple yet complicated you are. Sometimes, I feel like I know you already but then, you would act differently. You’re quite misleading. But I didn’t mind . . . because I love to believe in people.

Until  . . . until I became too comfortable that I didn’t notice I was already losing my guard.

Little did I know that I was starting to become such a mess of emotions. I did some compromises. I tried to avoid you, because you were starting to become too dangerous for my own good. And I don’t think I can afford too much damage.

But then, just when I was trying to save myself from the fallout, you dragged me into it. You involved me into your kind of messed up emotions. You told me you like me.

You had me figured it out why you were extra nice. You made me realize what those sweet nothings are for. All at once, I finally knew why I always catch you looking at me; why you’re always staring; why you’re always pinching my shoulders out of nothing; why out of a huge crowd, you want my attention.

You opened up your heart, but all I did was break it with my bare hands.

You asked me if I feel the same, I told you I don’t. I had to lie because I know it’s better for you not to know . . . because you will never understand my reasons. And I don’t want to bargain with God anymore. I’m done working things my way. I tried that before and that’s the reason why I have my scars. So, please, just take it as it is.

I know how much it hurt you when I left you with that shake of a head. I saw the disappointment in your eyes. I saw how it slowly broke you. I saw how you slowly lost your faith in what you feel. But I couldn’t do anything about it. I wanted to hold you, but I was scared that I’ll just break you even more. I wanted to tell you I didn’t mean what I said, but I chose to quiet my emotions. Do you know how hard that was? I was drowning in your pain and I couldn’t save myself.

Believe me when I tell you I can understand your agony. But you’re not the only one who’s been damaged. You’ve also hurt me for only God knows how deep. And maybe you didn’t see how much you destroyed me. But that time, it felt like all of the butterflies inside my stomach died and I wasn’t given enough time to grieve. It hurts so bad that even pain became such an understatement of what I actually felt. Looking at you felt like watching the fireworks slowly lose their bright colours. It felt like all the hope I had inside suddenly malfunctioned.

I tried to reason out and brave my ghosts, but what do I do? You were too much but not enough at the same time.

And that, is something that you would never understand.

You said I love out of convenience. But let me tell you that you’re wrong. I don’t. The truth of the matter is that, it’s my nature to love something that I can never have. And if you think that’s easy, think again. Because no, it’s not.  I don’t think you have an idea how much it ruins my inside. Do you know how it hurts to have that burning sensation in your chest when you look at someone and all you can do is swallow every kind of pain you’re feeling? Do you know how hard it is to argue with your own heart? Do you know how hard it is to beg your own memory to just stop flashing those painful nostalgias? Do you know how hard it is to fight back your own demons? Do you know how much it hurts to want someone you know will never be yours? Do you know how painful it is to look in the eye of the person you hurt and all you could ever see is the love that you’ve lost?

If only you know, maybe you won’t think that way.

And you’re wrong, I’m not a coward. Just because I wasn’t willing to take the risk doesn’t mean I’m not brave enough. But yes, I’m scared. Because if you’ve been through the kind of pain I’ve been before, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to experience the horror of being damaged beyond repair.

If we’re just going to talk about courage, I have lots of that. But, my love, not all battles are meant to be fought. And not everyone you meet is worth the fight. There are some people we just have to lose . . . not because we want them gone, but because we’re better without them.

And maybe this for the best. Because I would rather prefer watching you from a distance for as long as I know that you’re whole than know that the both of us have tried, but got broken in the long run.

No. I don’t blame you for making me feel this way. But I’m not grateful, too. How I wish you didn’t let me know. How I wish we could go back to where we were before. But we’re playing strangers again. Is this how it’s supposed to be? If it is, why are you so good at it? Tell me, how do you do that, huh? Tell me because I want to know. I want to know how to stop wanting you back because I’m still far from that.

So before it becomes even more painful to let go completely, find your way out of my life. But if you’re going to walk now, please do it slowly. Undo me little by little. I want to watch you turn your back at me that it would hurt so bad. . . so it would leave a scar on my skin—a reminder that once again, pain demanded itself to be felt.


 

Minsan, mas mabuti pang hindi mo alam na gusto ka ng taong gusto mo. Kaysa alam mong pareho kayo ng nararamdaman, pero hindi niyo magawan ng paraan.

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