I will never wait for you

***SUNDAY CALENDAR SNEAKS FOR APRIL 27, 2014. ***DO NOT USE PRIOR TO PUBLICATION*** Daniel Radcliffe and Zoe Kazan in the movie WHAT IF to be released by CBS Films.

Some people choose to shipwreck their friendship for the pursuit of romance. And that, I believe, is a great display of bravery. But the thing is, I am not some people. I chose not to become a victim of a tragic fall. I saved myself. No, maybe, I did try to save you, too.

I kept my walls protected and my convictions grounded. That was the right thing to do. We live in a world that always says that we should follow our hearts, but sadly, though, our hearts are dirty liars. It tells us to give into everything that we feel. But life is not all about feelings. Our lives are not made up of purely emotions. And I’ve known that. I know that I could get a little fragile at times, but that doesn’t mean I have all the rights to become reckless and that also doesn’t give me an excuse to miss my priorities. All the more, I need to become responsible for my actions and for my words.

I made all efforts to assure that we didn’t cross the line. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed that when people start to tease the both of us, I stop them, not only because I feel uncomfortable, but also because I don’t want anyone to stir up unnecessary emotions that aren’t meant to be awaken at this time. I was trying to protect myself from emotional impurity. I want to guard my heart.

Sure, I really enjoy your company. I love those endless stories the both of us could easily pull—without even trying to think so hard. And I like the fact that it’s impossible for us to bore one another, because we always make good, full of sense conversations together. Sometimes, we argue about the smallest of things. But we make things up afterwards. Friends do that, right? They always try to harmonize.

And I also love how you make me feel comfortable of who I am. Thank you for sticking with me even in my most unguarded moments. You’ve seen me laugh so hard, and cry, even, but that didn’t change a thing between the two of us. I like that I don’t have to impress you with my knowledge because, of course, you know that I’m naturally intelligent. That’s given. But it’s also because you are an intelligent man of your own. And I adore us for that. I never found you intimidating. It was, rather, challenging. I was challenged to read more and learn more. And that’s the beauty of friendship, right? They let each other grow and mature, in the most beautiful way possible.

Speaking of maturity, I understand that I could be downright frank at times. So forgive me when I told you that you were acting strange and I don’t like that. I’ve corrected you so many times, I lost count already. I’m not saying I’m done with that, neither I am saying that I’m sick with all of those. You can always count on me, but I want to point you back to Jesus. I don’t want you to treat me as the person whom you should go first whenever things crumble. God should be your best friend, and not me. He should always be the first person you go to, whenever you want to announce something so grand or lament over something totally horrible. He should always go first. Not me and not anyone else.

Whenever there are personal matters that need to be dealt, please don’t go knocking on my door. Go to a mature, godly man whom you look up to and talk to him about that. I want you to be accountable with people in the same gender, who will guide you and pray for you, so we will never cross our lines. I want us to be friends. But I need you to defocus yourself from me. I am not the only person in your world. And I want you to know that if you start thinking that the universe breathes just for the two of us, then, my friend, you will fall. And sorry, but I don’t have wings for that.

And soon enough, you crashed and burned. You chose to abandon the beautiful thing that we have to pursue something you thought might lead us elsewhere. But I said no. They said that we should have been perfect for each other. Should have been, but never were. The timing was ugly, and it wasn’t just right.

You see, out of a normal conversation, you uttered, “I love you.” I appreciate the courage, but more than thrilled by the confession, I was rather offended. Please know that ‘I love you’ when not followed by ‘will you marry me?’ is always a wrong move. I’m not saying that you should ask me to marry you right then and there. My point is, you shouldn’t have disturbed my emotions because they were sleeping quietly and I was waiting for the right time for them to be awakened by someone God will someday lead to me, who is patient enough to wait until he’s ready to get down on his knees.

My friend, you should never go out there confessing your undying love for someone without the intention of walking her down the aisle. Don’t make her fall if you will not catch her. You should be careful of your words and actions, because if not, you will be held accountable to God for that. So please, unless you all out pursue someone—probably not me—don’t invest so much emotions and effort. It’s a waste of time. Keep those to yourself and keep on praying. Keep growing as the man God wants you to be.

You were hurt when I started to distant myself. You thought I wasn’t? Wrong. I was likewise hurt. You ruined something I truly valued. But I have forgiven you for that. I respect you so much that I became honest of my stand, which better be clear.

You said you can wait for me until every wrong thing will be made right. And sorry, but it wasn’t really romantic. It was, rather, aggressive and selfish. I don’t want us to wait for each other, because reserving your heart for someone is risky, dangerous and unhealthy; it’s self-destructing. I don’t want the both of us to believe that someday, when our rhythms finally kiss each other, everything will fall into their respective places and something magical—fate, they say—will lead us back to each other’s arm. We should never play god over our own lives. We shouldn’t manipulate our hearts and let alone, deceive ourselves into hoping that you and I are made for one another. It was wrong. It’s wrong to give someone false hopes. I don’t want to become your greatest what if. I don’t want to see the both of us drowning in an ocean of what could have been.

I genuinely love you. This is not the kind of love that is widely romanticized. The Bible is clear when it tells us that we should treat each other with absolute purity. And love, of course, must be pure. It must never be selfish. Knowing so, I believe I couldn’t keep you for myself. I couldn’t be insanely territorial with comes to this matter. I want to be pure and I want the both of us to be grounded—to be walking this beautiful journey of friendship without blurring any line.

I want to serve you in a sisterly kind, through being there when everything starts to fall. I want to pray for you and for your struggles. I want to guard and protect you as well. I want you to become the best Boaz that you will ever be. Most importantly, I want you to mirror Jesus all the more.

Please know that I’m not only doing this for you, but for my future husband, too. I want to offer myself to him, pure and unscathed, knowing in my heart that it’s only to him I have given all of me. I don’t want to give him only what’s left of me and that will be done, only if I will keep my slates perfectly unstained.

I will always choose to guard my heart. I don’t want human hands to write us a story because I want mine to be authored by only Him. And who knows? Maybe you’re not even the other character.

That could be true. So, I will never wait for you. I will wait on God.


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